Renewed Spirit

It has been a little while since I have written.  I have been in such a funk lately that I really didn't want to be Debbie Downer in my posts.  When I say that these last couple weeks have been hard, I mean I was in a deep, dark pit with no hope or joy.  I was angry and sad.  Extremely sad.  See, Brian suggested that I work for one more year, hopefully as a teacher not a T.A., so that my salary would double and we could save all of the extra income, pay off debt (student loans, car payment, etc.) and would just be in a much more stable position for me to stay home 1.5 years from now.  It makes total sense and seems like the smart thing to do, but my selfish desires took over and I cried. And cried. And cried. And moped. And completely shut myself off to the world.  I am a Jesus follower and the Holy Spirit dwells within me, guiding my thoughts and actions.  I knew Brian's idea was best for our family and that I should submit to my husband as the leader of our family.  He prayed about it and felt this was God's answer.  Anyway, in my struggles, I looked up different Bible verses on submission and read through them this week, still feeling bitterness and resentment.  Well, God is always at work and tonight's message at church totally blew. me. away.  This series theme is Honor and Respect.  The pastor first began talking about our calling in life.  The first thing that popped in my head was, 'Being a mother.  Absolutely.' THEN, he said that God can put us through a waiting period until our calling was fulfilled.  'Oh boy.  Here we go.  He's talking to me.'  Then, he started talking about the relationship between King Saul and David.  And guess what.  He started quoting Bible verses on submission.  ALL OF THE VERSES THAT I HAD JUST READ 2 DAYS AGO.  Then, continuing with explaining the 'Wives, be submissive to your husbands' verse and how a couple should be unified in their decisions, allowing the hubs to lead while having the best interest of the family in mind and guiding with love and not dominance.  Really, the message was about showing respect and honor toward authority (President, boss, etc.) and rising above malice when we come in contact with people who might not believe the same things we do.  God's Word is alive and speaks to people in the way they need to hear it most.
It is just so comforting to know that I have a God who listens to my cries and while I am not getting what I want right now, He still satisfies my soul with peace while I am waiting.  I apologized to Brian and asked for forgiveness for the way that I have been acting and just feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Because God lifts burdens like no one else can.  I hope to go through this next phase of my life with a much more positive outlook and attitude because I have a God that is in control and a husband who loves me.  Oh.  And a sweet, healthy, happy, cute as a button little boy.
Want more info. on the church I attend?  Go here.  If you want to hear the message I heard, check back in the next week because it is usually a few days before the new message is uploaded. :)

Tomorrow Came Too Soon!

Tomorrow is the day I go back to work.  I am soooo sad.  I LOVE my mornings with my little man.  He is so cheerful and awake but still groggy enough to let me hold him and rub his back for awhile.  I love that part.  He loves when I change his diaper/clothes in the morning.  He starts cooing and blowing bubbles and kicking his feet like crazy.  We sing songs and read books and listen to K-Love on the radio.  He goes down for a nap and I can do the dishes or laundry, take my time fixing breakfast and relax a little bit before the day truly starts.  *sigh*  I had lots of trouble sleeping last night, thinking about everything I need to do to get B2 ready for the babysitter and myself ready for work. I have a feeling tonight is going to be worse.  I may need to take  Tylenol PM at 8:00 tonight.  I feel really sad but I also know that there is still hope for me to stay home in the future and that makes me feel a little better.  I was reading a mommy blog the other day and she posted the lyrics to an old hymn that I hadn't heard in a long time.  Now, whenever I feel sad, I sing these words to myself:

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I can already see God working through this situation.  Brian and I have communicated about finances and the future more than we probably ever have and I have had to test my trust in God to know that He will take care us.  So, I will not worry.  I may cry but I won't worry.

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Life is Tough Sometimes!

Now I am finally going to talk about what I been mentioning in a few posts about being 'down' lately.
Disclaimer: I am about to spill my guts and you only just met me!


As you are well aware by now, I had my son about 3 months ago.  Up until now, I have been able to stay home from work and take care of him.  Well, that is about to end. :(  My leave from work ends on his 3 month birthday and I am devastated.  It has been my deepest desire since I was little to be a mommy and take care of my sweet little baby.  When I say desire I mean full on need to be home with my sweet boy watching all of his developmental milestones and knowing that I helped him reach them.  Mommy:  A kisser of cheeks and booboos, a nurturer, a sideline cheerer, a bear hugger, a smiling, ogling mom that gives unconditional love with everything in me every second of every day.  I need to be that person.  While I know God can only give me true fulfillment and I need to be at peace with whatever situation He allows me to be in, I feel that life would be most rewarding with the job title: mom because I am giving someone love, attention, a chance to be a good person and he's all mine.  (Well, you know-Brian's too).  But as of right now, that's not possible.  Brian and I took a long hard look at our budget and it just doesn't seem feasible with student loans, hospital bills, car payments, etc.  I was/am soooooo upset about it.  I mean crying, screaming into my pillow sob fest.  It just sucks!  I felt so angry with God too.  He knows that this is the deepest desire of my heart and I don't understand why He won't fulfill that desire.  I know that His plan is perfect and He knows the future and what is best for my life and I want to be completely faithful and accept it but my own selfish desires get in the way!  It just kills me that after I go back to work my time spent with Brody will be cut in half!  I feel like we have such a special bond-he knows my voice, he turns his head toward me when I talk, he smiles at me all the time, and sometimes becomes so fixated on me that he would rather stare into my eyes than be amused by anyone else.  It is the best feeling to be wanted and needed by someone.  I am so scared that all of this will fade away when I go back to work.  I am terrified that he is going to love his babysitter more than me!  She will be the one providing for him-giving him his milk, playing with him, changing his diapers, singing his favorite Itsy Bitsy Spider song.  And he will fall in love.  And I will be chopped liver.  Really, I know this won't happen but.......
 But - when I add up the cost of daycare and insurance debited from my paycheck there's a measly amount left.  My conscience is having a battle-stay at home, fulfill desires, be there for every moment, be the best mom I can be vs. work a job and have a little extra money leftover but miss out on half of my child's life.  Would having that money really make life that much better?  And then by the time baby #2 comes around having absolutely no money left in my paycheck because I am paying someone else to love my kid(s).  

So yeah, that's what's been going through my head.  Pray for me as November 10th approaches.  Thanks.
Brian did say that we will try our hardest to save up money and possibly by baby #2, my dream could come true.  Brian is such a sweetheart.  I love you babe.  Thank you for working so hard and being a great husband and dad.  You're the best!  So glad I married you!
Also, don't get me wrong-I love my job!  It is the first job that I have never dreaded waking up and going to (up until now).  I get to be the mother of a whole classroom full of children that need someone to love on them a little.  And I've got plenty of love to go around.  It's just bittersweet.
Alright.  November 10th.  Prayers.  Thanks!