Life Changes

This past week marked Brody's 10 month and the closing of a chapter in my life.  I am sure by now that you know how desperately I have wanted to stay home with my son.  You also know my financial woes and sadness for leaving the sweet children and connections to the school.  Well....I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner.  Once it was mentioned, a light bulb went off and Brian and I agreed quickly that this might just be the answer to our prayers.  Are you ready? <insert drumroll>

I am going to be a substitute teacher!  Not what you were thinking?  Well listen to this--by being a sub. I can choose the days that I work.  By knowing lots of teachers at my school and having great 'hook-ups,' I will be able to plan ahead most of my sub. jobs.  This can then be coordinated with the babysitter ahead of time.  I could also say, "Hey--Keep Mondays open for spur of the moment jobs.  Assume that I am working but I will call you if I'm not."  Mondays and Fridays are very high traffic days for subs.  I could work about 2-3 days a week or a solid 2 weeks and then have two weeks off with Brody.  I will get paid a decent amount, enough to cover insurance plus some, and if I find that we need more money then I can work more.  All of the repeat substitutes I have talked to said that they could get a sub. job every day of the week if they wanted to, twice over sometimes. This will also help me keep connections to my friends, students, and administrators so that when I do decide to come back as a full-time teacher, it will be much easier and I will have lots of references.  I am really excited about the changes and the ability to hang out with my son!  Dream come true!!!

That being said...it was very bittersweet leaving the classroom Monday afternoon.  Kids gone.  Desks piled up and moved.  Barren walls.  I took one long last look, felt a little tightness in my throat and closed the door.  I'll be back.  :)

Renewed Spirit

It has been a little while since I have written.  I have been in such a funk lately that I really didn't want to be Debbie Downer in my posts.  When I say that these last couple weeks have been hard, I mean I was in a deep, dark pit with no hope or joy.  I was angry and sad.  Extremely sad.  See, Brian suggested that I work for one more year, hopefully as a teacher not a T.A., so that my salary would double and we could save all of the extra income, pay off debt (student loans, car payment, etc.) and would just be in a much more stable position for me to stay home 1.5 years from now.  It makes total sense and seems like the smart thing to do, but my selfish desires took over and I cried. And cried. And cried. And moped. And completely shut myself off to the world.  I am a Jesus follower and the Holy Spirit dwells within me, guiding my thoughts and actions.  I knew Brian's idea was best for our family and that I should submit to my husband as the leader of our family.  He prayed about it and felt this was God's answer.  Anyway, in my struggles, I looked up different Bible verses on submission and read through them this week, still feeling bitterness and resentment.  Well, God is always at work and tonight's message at church totally blew. me. away.  This series theme is Honor and Respect.  The pastor first began talking about our calling in life.  The first thing that popped in my head was, 'Being a mother.  Absolutely.' THEN, he said that God can put us through a waiting period until our calling was fulfilled.  'Oh boy.  Here we go.  He's talking to me.'  Then, he started talking about the relationship between King Saul and David.  And guess what.  He started quoting Bible verses on submission.  ALL OF THE VERSES THAT I HAD JUST READ 2 DAYS AGO.  Then, continuing with explaining the 'Wives, be submissive to your husbands' verse and how a couple should be unified in their decisions, allowing the hubs to lead while having the best interest of the family in mind and guiding with love and not dominance.  Really, the message was about showing respect and honor toward authority (President, boss, etc.) and rising above malice when we come in contact with people who might not believe the same things we do.  God's Word is alive and speaks to people in the way they need to hear it most.
It is just so comforting to know that I have a God who listens to my cries and while I am not getting what I want right now, He still satisfies my soul with peace while I am waiting.  I apologized to Brian and asked for forgiveness for the way that I have been acting and just feel like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.  Because God lifts burdens like no one else can.  I hope to go through this next phase of my life with a much more positive outlook and attitude because I have a God that is in control and a husband who loves me.  Oh.  And a sweet, healthy, happy, cute as a button little boy.
Want more info. on the church I attend?  Go here.  If you want to hear the message I heard, check back in the next week because it is usually a few days before the new message is uploaded. :)

Public Diary

Guilt plagues me.  All day long but it seems to cover me thickest when putting Brody to bed.  Knowing that it will be too long before I see him again.  I don't nurse him in the morning (I pump instead) because, to be honest, I don't want him to get in the habit of waking up at 6 am everyday.  Since we put him down later than most people, I want him to be able to sleep in as long as he wants.  A lot of parents I know put their babies down kinda early, which I completely understand, but it's hard for us since Brian doesn't even get home until 6:30 and likes to have a little Brody time before he goes to bed.  Usually, we have something going on or somewhere to be, whether planned or spur of the moment, and it would really interfere with life if he was 7 pm'er.  But, like I said, he doesn't wake up as early as most babies either.  Anyway-G.U.I.L.T.  I seriously get a burning pit in my stomach feeling like I am doing him an injustice by leaving him every day.  I know, I know.  Moms do it all the time.  Whatever.  I told my husband last night-Brody might not remember one thing about this part of his life but these moments I have with him are ones that I will always cherish.  When he's going off to college or marrying the girl of his dreams, I will still see the face of my sweet baby boy.  Recently, my dad said that sometimes certain expressions that I do are exactly the same ones he saw in me 27 years ago.  The baby years are so challenging but so memorable and rewarding.  I want to be able to cherish this time with Brody.  Baby and mama celebrating life, waiting for love of our lives to come home from work.  I know I talk about being a stay at home mom all the time but it is what consumes my thoughts.  I am not exaggerating when I say that I think about staying at home, ways to save so I can stay at home, things I would do with Brody if I could be with him all day, praying to God to grant me the deepest desire of my heart 90% of my day.  Not 5 minutes go by without these thoughts.  It is just so. not. fair.  I see other SAHM and think, 'They can make it work! WHY CAN'T I?!!!'  Sometimes, I feel so selfish for wanting these things when I know that there are women who can't have children, or struggle with raising them single-handedly or orphaned children with no mothers at all.  It is just a constant battlefield inside-my heart against my head.  Be happy with what I have been given vs. pressing on towards full-time motherhood.  Sometimes it gets pretty dark in here...

Will It Ever End?

The stupid pain in my heart.  The way my throat tightens up when I hug you good night.  This is not the way it's supposed to be.  Not the way I pictured our life together.  Having regrets already as a mother.  You  are growing too fast and I am missing so much of it.  I want to hold you just a little while longer before you don't need me to hold you anymore.  These are the best times.  Last week was everything I ever wanted it to be...me, you, and daddy.  Our little family-so much in love with one another.  You are a rare find, baby. A precious, sweet, innocent boy.  A kiss every second would never be enough.  I see you in everyone.  The children in my classroom, a random passerby, your daddy, every other little boy.  I feel love for them because they were once like you are now.  You teach me compassion everyday.  So thankful God chose you to be my baby.  Night night.  

Today

was hard.  After a week and a half of being back to work (with Thanksgiving break thrown in there), today was my hardest day yet.  I cried on the way to work, I cried at work (while being milked like a cow in a small office-I hate pumping!), and I cried when the babysitter sent me a text saying Brody was sound asleep and snoring...snoring! She said it was so precious and I just started crying, wishing I could hear him snore and knowing it's because his nose is stuffed up from a teeny cold he has.  I cried while looking at Facebook statuses of SAHM's talking about chores they were doing, places they were going or posting  pictures of the cute things their kids were doing.  sigh   I am just waiting for the day Brian comes home and says, "Babe--put in your 2 weeks notice because Brody needs his mommy more than your job needs you!" I am so mad at myself for not saving up for this day!!!!!!!!  I had a huge opportunity to get ahead and I blew it.  blah-long, personal story.  anyways---I'll keep waiting [not so] patiently.

Life is Tough Sometimes!

Now I am finally going to talk about what I been mentioning in a few posts about being 'down' lately.
Disclaimer: I am about to spill my guts and you only just met me!


As you are well aware by now, I had my son about 3 months ago.  Up until now, I have been able to stay home from work and take care of him.  Well, that is about to end. :(  My leave from work ends on his 3 month birthday and I am devastated.  It has been my deepest desire since I was little to be a mommy and take care of my sweet little baby.  When I say desire I mean full on need to be home with my sweet boy watching all of his developmental milestones and knowing that I helped him reach them.  Mommy:  A kisser of cheeks and booboos, a nurturer, a sideline cheerer, a bear hugger, a smiling, ogling mom that gives unconditional love with everything in me every second of every day.  I need to be that person.  While I know God can only give me true fulfillment and I need to be at peace with whatever situation He allows me to be in, I feel that life would be most rewarding with the job title: mom because I am giving someone love, attention, a chance to be a good person and he's all mine.  (Well, you know-Brian's too).  But as of right now, that's not possible.  Brian and I took a long hard look at our budget and it just doesn't seem feasible with student loans, hospital bills, car payments, etc.  I was/am soooooo upset about it.  I mean crying, screaming into my pillow sob fest.  It just sucks!  I felt so angry with God too.  He knows that this is the deepest desire of my heart and I don't understand why He won't fulfill that desire.  I know that His plan is perfect and He knows the future and what is best for my life and I want to be completely faithful and accept it but my own selfish desires get in the way!  It just kills me that after I go back to work my time spent with Brody will be cut in half!  I feel like we have such a special bond-he knows my voice, he turns his head toward me when I talk, he smiles at me all the time, and sometimes becomes so fixated on me that he would rather stare into my eyes than be amused by anyone else.  It is the best feeling to be wanted and needed by someone.  I am so scared that all of this will fade away when I go back to work.  I am terrified that he is going to love his babysitter more than me!  She will be the one providing for him-giving him his milk, playing with him, changing his diapers, singing his favorite Itsy Bitsy Spider song.  And he will fall in love.  And I will be chopped liver.  Really, I know this won't happen but.......
 But - when I add up the cost of daycare and insurance debited from my paycheck there's a measly amount left.  My conscience is having a battle-stay at home, fulfill desires, be there for every moment, be the best mom I can be vs. work a job and have a little extra money leftover but miss out on half of my child's life.  Would having that money really make life that much better?  And then by the time baby #2 comes around having absolutely no money left in my paycheck because I am paying someone else to love my kid(s).  

So yeah, that's what's been going through my head.  Pray for me as November 10th approaches.  Thanks.
Brian did say that we will try our hardest to save up money and possibly by baby #2, my dream could come true.  Brian is such a sweetheart.  I love you babe.  Thank you for working so hard and being a great husband and dad.  You're the best!  So glad I married you!
Also, don't get me wrong-I love my job!  It is the first job that I have never dreaded waking up and going to (up until now).  I get to be the mother of a whole classroom full of children that need someone to love on them a little.  And I've got plenty of love to go around.  It's just bittersweet.
Alright.  November 10th.  Prayers.  Thanks!