First Day Back to Work and I've Got Sunshine

EDIT*** Picture of the flowers sent down below.....
Well, I'm alive!  And it wasn't as excruciating as I thought it was going to be.  I think it was due to the fact that: I was running late, I was so tired my body was running on adrenaline, the kids in my class are so sweet and greeted me with a loud "MRS. SHAW!!!" and then a bombardment of hugs, I was so busy and overwhelmed that I didn't have a lot of time to think of anything else, and get this--I actually really do like my job :).  Brian is so thoughtful-he sent me a bouquet of flowers with a note from Brody saying, "Dear Mommy, Thank you for working so hard so I can have a comfortable place to live."  I hadn't cried today up until then!  Brian and I always text each other or write in our cards-GIMY-Glad I Married You.  So true, especially on days like today.  As my work day was coming to an end, my stomach was in knots with the anticipation of seeing my sweet little boy!  When I arrived, his babysitter, Shannon, was just unloading the kids from picking up my nephew from school.  I went over to see my little guy and I could see him recognizing me with his eyes and then he gave me a huge "I love you mommy" smile and man, it was like sunshine.  I cried then too.  So now, we are home together, with a 3-day weekend ahead of us (Veteran's Day) and I am going to spend my time soaking up a lot of sunshine!  I love the boys in my life!!

Tomorrow Came Too Soon!

Tomorrow is the day I go back to work.  I am soooo sad.  I LOVE my mornings with my little man.  He is so cheerful and awake but still groggy enough to let me hold him and rub his back for awhile.  I love that part.  He loves when I change his diaper/clothes in the morning.  He starts cooing and blowing bubbles and kicking his feet like crazy.  We sing songs and read books and listen to K-Love on the radio.  He goes down for a nap and I can do the dishes or laundry, take my time fixing breakfast and relax a little bit before the day truly starts.  *sigh*  I had lots of trouble sleeping last night, thinking about everything I need to do to get B2 ready for the babysitter and myself ready for work. I have a feeling tonight is going to be worse.  I may need to take  Tylenol PM at 8:00 tonight.  I feel really sad but I also know that there is still hope for me to stay home in the future and that makes me feel a little better.  I was reading a mommy blog the other day and she posted the lyrics to an old hymn that I hadn't heard in a long time.  Now, whenever I feel sad, I sing these words to myself:

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!

How I've proved Him o'er and o'er;

Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

I can already see God working through this situation.  Brian and I have communicated about finances and the future more than we probably ever have and I have had to test my trust in God to know that He will take care us.  So, I will not worry.  I may cry but I won't worry.

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To My Son

Dear Sweet Little Brody,

You are such a treasure.  I have learned so much about love and being a mother in these short 3 months.  You have proven to me over and over the old adage 'love is an action.'  Even when it has been sooo hard, I have had to learn to constantly show my love over and over again.  You have taught me about responsibility and patience.  You have helped me understand God a little better not only in unconditional love but also what a huge sacrifice He had to make to have His only Son die on the cross.  I cannot imagine.  You have helped me fall deeper in love with your daddy.  He has been amazing through your labor and helping me with EVERYTHING after the C-section--brushing my hair, helping me turn over in bed, helping me out of bed-getting up in the middle of the night just to run over to my side of the bed to lift me up, bringing you to me so I can feed you....and then the way he's been with you, baby.  He never complains about holding you or changing your diaper or giving you a bath.  He is so fun and loves to make you laugh.  You and your dad are going to be best buds forever.  
Your personality has developed so much and you are so comical.  I think you are going to be a funny guy like your dad.  You have filled us with so much joy.  We would rather spend our whole day just looking at you than do anything else.  Thank you so much for being such a good boy.  I know I am going back to work and life is going to be different, but not my love baby-not my love.  I will just have to make up for the hours we aren't together by filling the afternoon with so many kisses and hugs I'll be worn out by bedtime!  I am so glad God has blessed me with you.  I cannot express enough gratitude to Him.
I am so excited to see who you are going be when you grow up but don't do it too quickly.  I want to be able to hold you as long as I can!
I love you, I love you, I love you,
Mom

Good Day

EDIT** I added a picture of the locket down below....
This is going to show up as the 6th even though it's still the 5th in my eyes because it's past midnight.  Can you believe it?  I have a 3 month old son and I am staying up past midnight!  Night owl!!  I just wanted to write a quick post to document some things.  We spent the day cleaning out the garage and getting a lot of stuff moved to storage to do a yard sale in the future.  I also cleaned some furniture to sell on craigslist.  Just trying to think of as many ways to get some moolah saved up!  Well, anyway...we went to Saturday night church and this was the first time we checked Brody in at Cove Kids!  I wanted to keep him with us, but a special speaker (Joe Sangl) was there to talk about giving and the importance of frugality and saving your money.  I wanted to be 'all ears' so we decided to check him for the first time.  The message was soooo good and I am glad I was able to pay attention the whole time.  When we picked up B2, a guy was holding him and said he was pretty good but got a little fussy. :(  He was probably a tired little guy.  Well, afterwards, the big fam (me, B, B2, Brian's parents, Kristen, Andy, and their 2 kids -my niece and nephew)  went to Showmar's for dinner.  Then, I received a gift so sweet and thoughtful I cried.  My MIL and SIL knew I was upset about going back to work so they got me a B&BW antibacterial hand gel in a sparkly holder to keep the kids germs at bay ANNNNNNND, get this---a locket.  A beautiful silver locket with Brody's pictures in it.  I still can't get over how sweet that was!  I will have to post a picture of it when I get a chance.  I love my family.

Life is Tough Sometimes!

Now I am finally going to talk about what I been mentioning in a few posts about being 'down' lately.
Disclaimer: I am about to spill my guts and you only just met me!


As you are well aware by now, I had my son about 3 months ago.  Up until now, I have been able to stay home from work and take care of him.  Well, that is about to end. :(  My leave from work ends on his 3 month birthday and I am devastated.  It has been my deepest desire since I was little to be a mommy and take care of my sweet little baby.  When I say desire I mean full on need to be home with my sweet boy watching all of his developmental milestones and knowing that I helped him reach them.  Mommy:  A kisser of cheeks and booboos, a nurturer, a sideline cheerer, a bear hugger, a smiling, ogling mom that gives unconditional love with everything in me every second of every day.  I need to be that person.  While I know God can only give me true fulfillment and I need to be at peace with whatever situation He allows me to be in, I feel that life would be most rewarding with the job title: mom because I am giving someone love, attention, a chance to be a good person and he's all mine.  (Well, you know-Brian's too).  But as of right now, that's not possible.  Brian and I took a long hard look at our budget and it just doesn't seem feasible with student loans, hospital bills, car payments, etc.  I was/am soooooo upset about it.  I mean crying, screaming into my pillow sob fest.  It just sucks!  I felt so angry with God too.  He knows that this is the deepest desire of my heart and I don't understand why He won't fulfill that desire.  I know that His plan is perfect and He knows the future and what is best for my life and I want to be completely faithful and accept it but my own selfish desires get in the way!  It just kills me that after I go back to work my time spent with Brody will be cut in half!  I feel like we have such a special bond-he knows my voice, he turns his head toward me when I talk, he smiles at me all the time, and sometimes becomes so fixated on me that he would rather stare into my eyes than be amused by anyone else.  It is the best feeling to be wanted and needed by someone.  I am so scared that all of this will fade away when I go back to work.  I am terrified that he is going to love his babysitter more than me!  She will be the one providing for him-giving him his milk, playing with him, changing his diapers, singing his favorite Itsy Bitsy Spider song.  And he will fall in love.  And I will be chopped liver.  Really, I know this won't happen but.......
 But - when I add up the cost of daycare and insurance debited from my paycheck there's a measly amount left.  My conscience is having a battle-stay at home, fulfill desires, be there for every moment, be the best mom I can be vs. work a job and have a little extra money leftover but miss out on half of my child's life.  Would having that money really make life that much better?  And then by the time baby #2 comes around having absolutely no money left in my paycheck because I am paying someone else to love my kid(s).  

So yeah, that's what's been going through my head.  Pray for me as November 10th approaches.  Thanks.
Brian did say that we will try our hardest to save up money and possibly by baby #2, my dream could come true.  Brian is such a sweetheart.  I love you babe.  Thank you for working so hard and being a great husband and dad.  You're the best!  So glad I married you!
Also, don't get me wrong-I love my job!  It is the first job that I have never dreaded waking up and going to (up until now).  I get to be the mother of a whole classroom full of children that need someone to love on them a little.  And I've got plenty of love to go around.  It's just bittersweet.
Alright.  November 10th.  Prayers.  Thanks!