Thursday, January 26, 2012

Public Diary

Guilt plagues me.  All day long but it seems to cover me thickest when putting Brody to bed.  Knowing that it will be too long before I see him again.  I don't nurse him in the morning (I pump instead) because, to be honest, I don't want him to get in the habit of waking up at 6 am everyday.  Since we put him down later than most people, I want him to be able to sleep in as long as he wants.  A lot of parents I know put their babies down kinda early, which I completely understand, but it's hard for us since Brian doesn't even get home until 6:30 and likes to have a little Brody time before he goes to bed.  Usually, we have something going on or somewhere to be, whether planned or spur of the moment, and it would really interfere with life if he was 7 pm'er.  But, like I said, he doesn't wake up as early as most babies either.  Anyway-G.U.I.L.T.  I seriously get a burning pit in my stomach feeling like I am doing him an injustice by leaving him every day.  I know, I know.  Moms do it all the time.  Whatever.  I told my husband last night-Brody might not remember one thing about this part of his life but these moments I have with him are ones that I will always cherish.  When he's going off to college or marrying the girl of his dreams, I will still see the face of my sweet baby boy.  Recently, my dad said that sometimes certain expressions that I do are exactly the same ones he saw in me 27 years ago.  The baby years are so challenging but so memorable and rewarding.  I want to be able to cherish this time with Brody.  Baby and mama celebrating life, waiting for love of our lives to come home from work.  I know I talk about being a stay at home mom all the time but it is what consumes my thoughts.  I am not exaggerating when I say that I think about staying at home, ways to save so I can stay at home, things I would do with Brody if I could be with him all day, praying to God to grant me the deepest desire of my heart 90% of my day.  Not 5 minutes go by without these thoughts.  It is just so. not. fair.  I see other SAHM and think, 'They can make it work! WHY CAN'T I?!!!'  Sometimes, I feel so selfish for wanting these things when I know that there are women who can't have children, or struggle with raising them single-handedly or orphaned children with no mothers at all.  It is just a constant battlefield inside-my heart against my head.  Be happy with what I have been given vs. pressing on towards full-time motherhood.  Sometimes it gets pretty dark in here...

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