Thursday, November 3, 2011

Life is Tough Sometimes!

Now I am finally going to talk about what I been mentioning in a few posts about being 'down' lately.
Disclaimer: I am about to spill my guts and you only just met me!

As you are well aware by now, I had my son about 3 months ago.  Up until now, I have been able to stay home from work and take care of him.  Well, that is about to end. :(  My leave from work ends on his 3 month birthday and I am devastated.  It has been my deepest desire since I was little to be a mommy and take care of my sweet little baby.  When I say desire I mean full on need to be home with my sweet boy watching all of his developmental milestones and knowing that I helped him reach them.  Mommy:  A kisser of cheeks and booboos, a nurturer, a sideline cheerer, a bear hugger, a smiling, ogling mom that gives unconditional love with everything in me every second of every day.  I need to be that person.  While I know God can only give me true fulfillment and I need to be at peace with whatever situation He allows me to be in, I feel that life would be most rewarding with the job title: mom because I am giving someone love, attention, a chance to be a good person and he's all mine.  (Well, you know-Brian's too).  But as of right now, that's not possible.  Brian and I took a long hard look at our budget and it just doesn't seem feasible with student loans, hospital bills, car payments, etc.  I was/am soooooo upset about it.  I mean crying, screaming into my pillow sob fest.  It just sucks!  I felt so angry with God too.  He knows that this is the deepest desire of my heart and I don't understand why He won't fulfill that desire.  I know that His plan is perfect and He knows the future and what is best for my life and I want to be completely faithful and accept it but my own selfish desires get in the way!  It just kills me that after I go back to work my time spent with Brody will be cut in half!  I feel like we have such a special bond-he knows my voice, he turns his head toward me when I talk, he smiles at me all the time, and sometimes becomes so fixated on me that he would rather stare into my eyes than be amused by anyone else.  It is the best feeling to be wanted and needed by someone.  I am so scared that all of this will fade away when I go back to work.  I am terrified that he is going to love his babysitter more than me!  She will be the one providing for him-giving him his milk, playing with him, changing his diapers, singing his favorite Itsy Bitsy Spider song.  And he will fall in love.  And I will be chopped liver.  Really, I know this won't happen but.......
 But - when I add up the cost of daycare and insurance debited from my paycheck there's a measly amount left.  My conscience is having a battle-stay at home, fulfill desires, be there for every moment, be the best mom I can be vs. work a job and have a little extra money leftover but miss out on half of my child's life.  Would having that money really make life that much better?  And then by the time baby #2 comes around having absolutely no money left in my paycheck because I am paying someone else to love my kid(s).  

So yeah, that's what's been going through my head.  Pray for me as November 10th approaches.  Thanks.
Brian did say that we will try our hardest to save up money and possibly by baby #2, my dream could come true.  Brian is such a sweetheart.  I love you babe.  Thank you for working so hard and being a great husband and dad.  You're the best!  So glad I married you!
Also, don't get me wrong-I love my job!  It is the first job that I have never dreaded waking up and going to (up until now).  I get to be the mother of a whole classroom full of children that need someone to love on them a little.  And I've got plenty of love to go around.  It's just bittersweet.
Alright.  November 10th.  Prayers.  Thanks!

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jessica, I saw that you created a blog and wanted to let you know that I think its awesome. I know the desire, need, you have to stay at home with your precious little baby. They are so precious and they grow up so fast. I love you and am thankful for you praying for us through this time. We need so many prayers, cause this is not an easy thing to bare. I love you and your precious little family.